In an age when commitment-free sex is just a click away, why are we still asking ourselves if it is OK to fuck on a first date? You get yours, honey!
19 Abril 2018 17:23
You definitely should (if you want to).
It’s 2018 and we still get bogged down thinking about ‘the rules’. By ‘rules’ I mean the stigma and shame that is thrust upon those - usually female - daters who want to throw caution to the wind and fuck like first year students. Even in the age of hookup apps like Tinder and Grindr, where commitment-free sex is just a swipe away, there is still the old adage that ‘giving it up’ on the first date can impact a future relationship. And to that, I say, bullshit.
The highly problematic way society at large tends to treat the matter is wholly sexist and harks back to outdated conceptions of female virtue and male promiscuity. It plays into the trope that a man who fucks like Lothario is a stud, and a woman who freely expresses her sexual desires is a ‘slut’. Although it is an ugly and unfair dynamic we are slowly pulling away from, the whole 'don’t fuck on a first date' rule reeks of male superiority in the exchange of sex and bodies.
Not being considered ‘girlfriend material’ for falling into bed too soon is still a genuine concern for many women. Antiquated ‘Why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free’ analogies still permeate our thinking about dating and sex. And the fact is, yes, sometimes a sexual encounter won't go anywhere, but it shouldn’t affect our decision-making processes or self-esteem. There most probably wasn’t a potential relationship there either way.
I can’t imagine there are many people out there who have ever said, ‘She's great. She's intelligent. She's into techno as well. There's only one problem.…We hooked up on the first date.’ Let’s be real. That is (for most) not a reason to refuse repeat business. If it is, the person in question isn’t on your wavelength anyway and they need to be rendered to the trash pile of fuckboys.
In a post #MeToo sexscape, the fundamental pillars of sexual dynamics have been made visible. Our understanding of consent, aggression, and power dynamics have finally started to see a shift. The sheer number of women across all professions and contexts who came forward in light of the Harvey Weinstein scandal shows one fundamental truth: that men always hold the upper hand (for now!). And it is not far-fetched to link this cultural fact with how we navigate our personal sex lives. Men are the aggressors; women are the prey.
This is why females often struggle more with anxiety about following physical desires and fear of repercussions. Society hasn’t yet fully accepted, much less celebrated, women’s sexual autonomy and assertion. And in all honesty, as women, we haven’t fully accepted it ourselves. For example, a Cosmopolitan poll found that 83 percent of women believe men think less of a woman who has sex on the first date. The funny thing is that the same poll found 67 percent of men polled said they do not think less of women. Are we self-regulating ourselves as well as society?
For clarification, I am not saying that everyone should fuck on a first date. It may or may not be the ticket to a lasting relationship (if that is what you’re looking for) - what do I know? But don’t say no for fear of what others might think or if it will harm your allure. You have every right to abstain if someone is acting weird or aggressive, if you have religious or moral reasons, if they say ‘like’ after every sentence, if you want to build up sexual chemistry first, if a date sends messages with BAE, YOLO, LIT or LMAO in, if they listen to Nickelback, if you're a virgin, if you have an STD, or if they think Russell Brand is a socialist warrior. Draw your own lines.
To put it bluntly: why shouldn’t you fuck someone you find sexually attractive as a consenting adult? As long as the parameters of the experience are defined by your boundaries and desires, expressing your sexuality should never come with a high price tag (except if the person is bad in bed, but to be honest, you won’t know till you try). In that same vein, testing compatibility early on could be a big time-saver. And - most importantly - you might just be damn horny. Sex isn’t always a good barometer for a relationship, but it can be fucking fun. So go; sow those wild oats while you still can.