20 Diciembre 2016 09:06
Are you haunted by that time your co-worker recoiled in horror when you tried to sneak a snog under the mistletoe? Do you still cringe with embarrassment thinking about that work Christmas dinner when you jumped up on the table and sang Milli Vanilli’s ‘Girl You Know It’s True’ – doing both voices – all the way through? Cheer yourself up by reading these festive tales of humiliation and depravity.
‘We gave our 54-year-old boss some Sexy Santa lingerie as a lark. She didn’t get the joke and proceeded to try it on in front of us all, performing an excruciating striptease while shouting, “My husband’s going to love this!”’
‘My husband is a software engineer who works with a bunch of nerdy guys. One of them decided it would be a good idea to bring a gun and a hooker to the office Christmas party. It’s little details like these that reveal the lack of a healthy social life.’
‘They organized a girls’ night out at our law firm. Great bar, fab food… everything was perfect except for a terrible stink that lingered all night. Turns out that one of the interns had found out they weren’t going to hire her. She drank all night, shit herself, and sat there grinning, acting as if nothing was wrong.’
‘During last year’s work Christmas dinner, one of the women well known for drinking too much ended up getting absolutely sloshed. She came to my table and proceeded to sit down… but there was no chair and she fell on her arse. Then she tried to talk the boss and his girlfriend into a threesome. She still doesn’t understand why they didn’t give her the promotion.’
‘We had a wine tasting session for the management. One guy got completely sloshed and got super flirty with another manager from a different apartment who was significantly younger and good-looking. At some point, the young lady put some scented lotion on her hands. They guy smelt the cream, came over to her, pulled his dick out and asked her to put some lotion on there too. Right in the middle of the room, in front of us all.’
‘I saw a woman squirt champagne from her vagina into the mouth of the woman who’d just inserted a champagne bottle into said vagina. I worked as a porn editor at the time, so it was appropriate to the situation.’
‘I used to work for a big bank. We had a little potluck for Christmas, and – long story short – about 2 hours later, someone shit in the bathroom and smeared it literally, and I mean literally, all over the bathroom stalls. The wall, the stall door handle, the toilet sensor; fucking everywhere. It looked like a XXL Hershey bar stepped on an IED. We never did catch the elusive poop handle bandit. Legend says he’s still out there, ravaging the latrines of financial institutions to this day.’
‘Worked in a warehouse for a while, we had regular “awards nights” where we’d all get fucked up and hand out stupid awards like “driver of the year” for the person who had the worst forklift accident or crashed a work car. Other things of note: doing lines with the boss off his desk every party; married coworkers banging in the car park; having forklift races in the aisles of the warehouse; and using forklifts to lift each other to the roof of the warehouse. One time I saw three co-workers using duct tape to mummify a mentally-handicapped cleaner. I don’t miss my old job but damn, I miss the parties.’
‘My husband’s old company decided that they weren’t going to invite spouses to the Christmas party. I offered to drop off and pick up my husband so he could drink freely. After he called me to pick him up, I ended up waiting in my car for nearly half an hour, watching some of his male co-workers through the window getting lap dances from some female co-workers.’
‘I worked at Macca’s and we had a work party. Some of the crew volunteered to run the night shift while the rest of us went ten-pin bowling and drank scrumpies. I was a manager, so I got to see the camera footage the next day.
It was of me, walking around the restaurant and kitchen with my pants down, shaping my balls to look like a brain and making people look at my taut scrote. There were also brown-eyes and squashed-rats, which is where you press your dick and balls up against the glass. That was me in the drive-through window. I woke up horrified and knew I was in trouble.
There was a small fallout. I miraculously didn’t get fired, no one formally complained. My punishment was to wash car windows at the drive-through on my day off and donate the tips to the Ronald McDonald House charity.’
‘One co-worker turned up to the party dressed in a giant diaper and a pair of sneakers. Somebody smeared chocolate frosting all over his nappy. Pretty wild considering none of us were even drinking alcohol.’
‘I used to work at a law firm. Two colleagues – male and female – started arguing. Really fucking loudly. One thing led to another and she threw a glass of red wine over his white shirt. He lost it completely, grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. This was in the middle of the dance floor, in front of more than 300 people.’